


Pizza Wars

by cowboychris



Series: A Series of Essays on the Relativity of Morality [2]
Category: Gravity Falls, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Star Wars - All Media Types, The Duane, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Joe's Pizza, Pizza
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 11:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5783431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboychris/pseuds/cowboychris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The galaxy is being run by the evil dark!Peter Parker from Spiderman 3. He's edgy and has bangs. He serves his ultimate ruler -- Mr. Aziz. They have formed the First Order (the first order of pizza) and fight for pizza to be the dominating food in the galaxy. An anti-pizza resistance has formed with General Aunt May leading it, her ex Uncle Ben right behind her. With the new recruits of Dipper Pines and Jotaro Kujo. Together, they might have the power to defeat Peter and his evil pizza dictatorship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pizza Wars

**Author's Note:**

> So, long story short. This scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHVo3r_yFNc is a masterpiece of cinema and its a cornerstone of the Cowboy Chris brand. Like, in one form or another this scene has inspired almost all of our work. This combind with Gravity Falls and some other shitty shows. So the masterminds at Cowboy Chris HQ were thinking, we should take this combination and throw it in the biggest franchise that exists: star war: the force wake up

It was a long long time ago in a pizza parlor far far away. The First Order (the first order of pizza, they were created the first time someone ordered pizza after the defeat of the Galactic Pasta Place) has complete control of the galaxy's food market. 

THE DUANE has vanished. In his absence, the sinister FIRST ORDER (as in, when you order a pizza) has risen from the ashes of the Pasta Palace and will not rest until DUANE, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.

With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Aunt May leads a brave RESISTANCE. She is desperate to find her brother Duane and gain his help in restoring peace and justice and food to the galaxy.

Aunt May has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to New York City, where an old ally has discovered a clue to Duane’s whereabouts….

 

Cowboy chris struggled in his handcuffs but to no avail. He had been captured by the First Order and their sinister leader Peter Parker (actually Tobey Maguire in secret, having turned to the dark sauce. Peter kneeled down to get face-to face with Chris.

"So who talks first, pardner? Do i talk first?" Chris said sneering and spitting a wad of tobacco into the nearest spittoon.   
"Don't worry Chris. Duane's location is in good hands." Peter flipped his bangs and slid over to the piano to play a familiar tune.  
(AN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRPoiTHMuzc )

Chris was familiar with this form of torture, having gone through it many times. It was almost familiar as Peter whispered "now dig on this" and all the saucetroopers began to dance in a jazzy fashion. it was about 19 hours of suffering before Peter was finished. Chris woke up from his cowboy induced slumber and look at Peter. "WEll is that it pardner?"

Peter turned to his second in command Captain Pizza and said "wipe out everyone in the city."

Chris went "aw shucks".  
\-------------------------------------------

Dipper Pines, in his Saucetrooper armor, could not stand the violence that erupted on the streets of NYC as the First Order answered everyones order of pizza, a deadly pizza known as bullet pizza to the face. Thousands were slaughtered, nay, MILLIONS, and dipper fell over and screamed. His buddy in arms, Toot-Toot McPumberSnazzle, continues to murder. Eventually Dipper gets up and Toot-Toot is shot right in front of him, painting his helmet red with tomato sauce, staining dipper's armor. Dipper fell unconscious from exertion. 

When he wakes he can see Peter staring directly at him, bangs hanging in his eyes all edgily. Dipper shivers in his pizza panties. With a wave of his greasy hand, Peter "parklo ren" tells them to go back to the base of the First Order, Joe's Pizza. They had a 29 minute guarantee. Dipper, still shaking, was hesitant to retreat. His mind kept wondering to his fallen friend Toot-Toot, and he can feel the pizza sauce still dripping off of him. He takes a finger of it and licks it, thinking about the many pizzas that died in order for him to eat this sauce. 

One back to the base, Dipper slinks around. He knew what he had to do. He can't stay here, his heart was not with the pizza. He knew Aziz would be ashamed...

Dipper takes off his helmet, breathing heavily. He feels a slap on his back, and turned around to see the sneering face of General "Hux" Aaron Carter (General Fucks). 

"Why is your helmet off? Who ordered you to do this, Pizza-Solider 42069?" 

Dipper averts his eyes, ashamed. "No one, General Aaron Carter. I was just crawling in my skin." 

Both of them had a silence for Linkin Park. Crawling in my skin was a really good song before the First Order banned it. NO songs but pizza songs were allowed to be sung. They have resorted to only singing that song about how the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. 

"Put your helmet on and get back to work." Aaron spits, glaring at Dipper. 

"Yes, sir." Dipper says quietly, then slips back on his pizza helmet. He gets back in order with the other saucetroopers and watches as the prisoner, Cowboy Chris, is escorted into the torturing chamber. He knew that Cowboy Chris was the best pizza delivery boy in the galaxy and can fly any delivery machine. Maybe he could use the Cowboy to escape...

\------------------------------------------------

Cowboy Chris slumps in his torture chair, pain written all over on his face. Peter dangles a warm, greasy pizza slice in his face. 

"Your droid... the BB unit... it carried precious information, did it not?" 

"I'll never talk, pardner!" Cowboy Chris screams. 

"Sure you will. Once I use the dark sauce..." 

Cowboy Chris felt the sark sauce swirl all over him, curling deep within him. He felt some go into his deepest crevices. The sauce was all over him. He screams in agony, wriggling around in his torture chair. "It's in NYC! It carries a map to The Duane!!" 

Parker turned to a saucetrooper behind him. "Send all of our forces back to NYC! We're getting that map!" 

\------------------------------------------------  
"Wake me up" began to play over the intercoms on the ship as Dipper stealthily approached Chris from behind and undid his handcuffs in secret. "Whaddya doin' Pardner?" Chris asked. Dipper replied in a hushed whisper, "I'm gettin' us out of here." 

Dipper led them to the hangar where a large number of pizza delivery ships were waiting to be piloted. "Can you fly one of these?" Dipper asked Chris.  
"Hell pardner, sure i can."

They sneak into a pizza delivery ship and get into position. 

"You're going to have to work the guns, pardner. Do 'ya know how to shoot?" 

"I-I think?" Dipper stammers, looking at the controls worriedly. 

"Well, you better strap in, pardner. We're takin' this cow on a ride!" 

Cowboy Chris lifts the ship off the ground, but something is stuck to the ship. The other saucetroopers take notice and begin to fire their pizza weapons at the ship. Pepperoni and other toppings rain down on the ship. Dipper screams, but shoots back. An entire onion smacks a saucetrooper in the face. Dipper gains confidence, shooting the other saucetroopers. He doesn't think about he's betraying them. He knows he'll never be able to talk to them or their sons ever again. 

"Hang on, pardner!" Chris shouts, and the ship flies out of the base. Parker runs out, glaring at the retreating ship through his bangs. He knew it was Pizza-Solider 42069 who betrayed them. 

In the ship, Cowboy Chris whoops as he revels in his newfound freedom. 

"What's your name, pardner?" Cowboy Chris asks, laughing. 

Dipper says, "Pizza-Solider 42069, but I call myself Dipper." 

"Well, Dippy-boy, we escaped." 

"What do we do now?" 

"We go to the anti-pizza base." 

(TO BE CONTINUED)

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter we will introduce rey aka JOJO and general aunt may and UNCLE BEN............. prepare.   
> c
> 
> ~`Crawling in my skin<3 Love linkin park!


End file.
